Let’s start with the definition of the word fellowship according to the Oxford English Dictionary.

fel·low·ship n.

1.a. The condition of sharing similar interests, ideals, or experiences, as by reason of profession, religion, or nationality. b. The companionship of individuals in a congenial atmosphere and on equal terms.

2. A close association of friends or equals sharing similar interests.

3. Friendship; comradeship.

4.a. The financial grant made to a fellow in a college or university.b. The status of having been awarded such a grant. c. A foundation established for the awarding of such a grant

There are large-scale myths that surround how people think about themselves and their work when applying to fellowships. Most major award structures are set up to reward individuals. Some of the most famous fellowships: MacArthur Genius Grant Winner, Rhodes scholars, and  TED fellows all award one single person. Most of the time, these individuals were not alone in their ground-breaking work. They teamed up with many others along the way, partnering and collaborating to come up with great ideas. The word fellowship embodies this comradeship, yet the awards structure ends up creating a individualistic view of accomplishments.

In the workplace, company’s evaluation and promotion practices encourage an assumption that employee’s time is dedicated to a company. Yet time is not infinite, it is scarce and shared across employees.

What if there were more fellowships that really promoted and incentivized team building? How do we change the award system and build the awareness that we need help and to acknowledge others? What if this shift could promote the collaborative leadership to design the most important work of our time?

As I sat on my computer trying to write my blog post for today, I kept blanking and freezing, avoiding getting started because I thought it wouldn’t be good enough. Then I realized I had my whole orientation wrong and needed to stop trying to be perfect. It’s about getting better every day. I seek to dream, innovate, and develop world-changing ideas. So I need to do what I am most fearful to do and live my experiments out day by day. That’s how we improve: in small daily increments.

After browsing all of the media Top 50 under 50, Person of the Year, Most Powerful Women articles that rung in the new year, it was so easy for me to get sucked into the exciting thrill of being called a ‘leader’. The praise and recognition is sexy, appealing, and glamorous. Most of the ‘top picks’ of year-end media articles hold high levels of authority or power positions, run large companies or are heads of state.

Yet in truth, leadership is about mobilizing progress toward a collective problem, not holding a position of authority. It’s so easy to blur the lines between leadership and power. What the media leadership conversation fails to depict are the real challenges that make leaders who they are, and most importantly: the losses in leadership.

All next generation leaders face losses. In the business of leadership, we are in the business of sustaining loss. This involves the capacity to hold steady in chaos, to see anger with grace and to meet hatred with compassion. Leadership is about holding people through transitions, receiving anger or tears without backing away and renegotiating loyalties to focus on a collective problem.

We have all grown up with a set of loyalties to our professional and personal community and to prior generations. Our work NOW is to build leaders who are free who act independently and make a contribution to the world both as a creature of systems and as not entirely captured by those systems. A major piece of this is dealing with the losses we face when we step up to our real work in the world, own them, and make big changes in our lives.

Next time, you get praised as a leader, remember the challenge of the losses you faced, because that’s real leadership.